Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Whatever or Perche parlo sempre di te.

This is a reminder for me.
To try to understand a bit what happiness is and also the way I see it.

I was yesterday talking to one of my best friends, I know this friend for ages and obvioulsly She knows that I do not really believe in love the way I used to do, I was telling her about the girl I like a lot (yes the image is below :) ), and well I was telling my friend that I am really afraid to accept that I am starting to love her and I am starting to even re-structure some elements of my personality I thought have gone away.
The funny thing is that I really feel quite clumsy when I am in front of her, sometimes I am speechless or I am in dumb state to use a way to describe the way I feel for her. It has been so long that I was not feeling this way.
My friend knows that I stop believing in complements and they way I see it is just to share what I am, I was some time ago having a conversation with the girl I like and I am really honest in the words I told her, I just told her that she has to make a decision for her and I will respect any decision she could take, (Well She is deciding to be with me, alone or with an ex-love).
Some people told me to attack and start moving things and showing my feelings to her but the way I see it I do not really want to push the things or feel that I am forcing something, I do not want her to think later on that She is with me just because of a crush, I learned my lesson some time ago and the only thing I do is to show the way I am and open myself (quite difficult nowadays considering that I do not really confide my emotions totally),yeah I am a nice guy but I do not want to sell her only that part, because as stupid as it can sound I am also selling a way to see life and the vocation of comics is also a point to consider I mean at least in my country to be a comic creator is not even a profession.
I am really happy for the decision to have become a comic creator since I was at the young age of 7. I know that things have not been that easy and are not in that way usually.
In fact I have had quite a roller coster for life.
So well returning to the other part my friend told me to accept that I love her and to open myself, I mean for what my friend said It could be better to accept that first and then accept the situation in case that is negative or positive and overcome it (simple to say but difficult to do), as I posted some time ago to have a broken heart would be different this time because I learned how to roll with the punches, I can not deny it.... I am afraid She says no, but I mean I prefer to know that, and in case She accepts me it would be good is some areas I need attention.
I am not planning my life towards her, in my case is different I plan my calling or vocation and what I want to do is to find the right person to share.
So the conclusion is the same for this situation If She is happy (with me or without me), I am and will be happy for her.
About the drawing I am having dinner with her and that will be my X-mas gift aside a letter telling her how I feel..... So wish me luck guys!!..JESUS ANTONIO

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